


it’s not that we loved (but rather we thought we were meant to be)

by mairieux



Category: VIXX
Genre: Angst, Break Up, Exes, M/M, Ouch, cheating not neccessarily but its complicated, hapypp birthyday frida, jaehwan lowkey a bitch again, rekindling kinda
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-09
Updated: 2019-07-09
Packaged: 2020-06-25 04:01:47
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,415
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19737901
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mairieux/pseuds/mairieux
Summary: Even though Jaehwan fell in love with Wonshik ages ago, his heart isn’t a stranger to the feeling like he’s sixteen and Wonshik just shoved another hastily made bouquet into his hands.





	it’s not that we loved (but rather we thought we were meant to be)

**Author's Note:**

> for [frida](https://twitter.com/scentists).

Jaehwan already knew he’s done for, the moment he saw him step inside this old, forgettable hole-in-the-wall cafe and well, at least he paused for a moment, as he's debating if he should let this lead to his ultimate demise.

It’s safe to say that he didn’t need to voice his answer in the end, when his own feet moved on their own, and the next thing he knows, his past once again becomes his present.

Maybe he could’ve said it would’ve been difficult to catch up after not seeing each other for so many years, yet he knows he’ll only be lying to himself as his lips have gone and betrayed him.

The words ‘hello’ and ‘how are you’ come tumbling out of his mouth, lightweight and almost meaningless if it weren’t for its syllables that were heavily laden with feelings that should’ve been buried beneath his chest six years ago.

This is only right where the ending will begin.

  
  


Wonshik looks at him as if not a single day had passed since they last met and Jaehwan’s chest flutters like a spring day, his heart a window that’s see-through and fragile. He knows Wonshik’s the only one who can really peer through.

Even though Jaehwan thought he’s grown up from all the misery of all his high school life, every second of his memories only now as significant as a dusty photobook, there’s something in the way how Wonshik’s voice that Jaehwan can’t help but want to perk his ears more and listen to the same, unchanging rhythmic beat of his words as if he’s constantly saying a poem.

Nevertheless, he is his past, no matter how much his heart gets tugged along when Wonshik’s eyes crinkle when they smile nor how much his own hands are aching to reach out and feel his warm skin against his palms.

The coffee he ordered for himself is starting to grow cold from the lack of attention Jaehwan’s giving it, but could he blame himself when Wonshik is right in front of his eyes once more and he’s telling him what he’s been doing since they last saw each other?

He takes note of them, every daily achievement he mentions to his milestones that Jaehwan can’t help but wonder if he was the same dorky boyfriend he had back in high school.

His answer is obvious, of course, because of the unchanging way Wonshik’s eyes manage to stay droopy and sleepy, his lips still looking like soft pillows that Jaehwan inevitably wishes to taste them again—but he pushes it back down, back underneath his thoughts as he knows if he starts wishing something like that then it’ll truly be his end.

So he convinces himself, that it will be alright, when they’re saying goodbyes after sitting in this cafe for an hour and Jaehwan just realised that he’s probably needed somewhere else. He really thought it’ll be fine; yet when his hand goes to open the glass door, Wonshik catches up to him, opening it himself instead and his eyes look like they’ve glossed over.

“I forgot to say,” Wonshik explains, slightly short out of breath as he stands still inside the cafe and Jaehwan’s outside with the sun raining down on him, “... Congratulations. I’m glad you found someone.”

And only now Jaehwan remembers about the golden band wrapped around his finger, the sunlight reflecting and blinding him even more when he looks at it from the corner of his eye.

How come he finds it so hard to say thank you?

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


Sanghyuk holds him the way he’s meant to be held, tight and reassuring, his only comfort and reminder that even if he’s made countless mistakes, there’ll be someone who will tell him he did a good job today.

Jaehwan’s addicted to it, to how his arms easily tighten around his smaller frame so he can smell his cologne, on how his day went, and Sanghyuk doesn’t hesitate from holding him even closer either.

He just didn’t think one day it’ll start to feel like it’s not enough.

Even though he was so convinced that this must be truly how being in love would be like, to the point he didn’t think twice of saying yes in tying the knot—because he really shouldn’t have any regrets; Sanghyuk made him feel like he could start anew again yet, right now, as he’s sitting in their apartment’s couch and waiting for his fiance to come home, he can’t hold back that he’s feeling more like a wilted flower after a rain shower.

It’s probably—it is his fault. He shouldn’t have approached Wonshik, left him behind just like he did with everybody else.

Still, Jaehwan somehow feels less regretful when his thumbs start typing the number Wonshik gave him the other day.

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


It starts off innocent, as he does with anything, only calling and meeting each other to catch up, getting back with their old habits and Jaehwan can’t put into words how much he has become a stranger to himself.

He knows for a fact that his heart is fickle and foolish, falling for anyone too soon and too fast, pounding loudly for no reason other than the fact that perhaps he’s having more fun than usual, yet he doesn’t know if that really is all there is as he himself is also a fool.

The idea of falling in love was something that seemed superficial and unreal, that the moment he starts to feel like he’s in love he manages to make himself think that he really is head over heels for someone.

Wonshik wasn’t an exception.

Even though he met and decided to fall in love with Wonshik ages ago, his heart isn’t a stranger to the feeling like he’s sixteen and Wonshik just shoved another hastily made bouquet into his hands.

He’s really starting to hate himself at this point, because Wonshik has ordered his favourite coffee before he arrived at the cafe they visited way too many times before, smiling at him like he’s completely unaware of how much Jaehwan’s brain is so close to melting inside his head.

Is this how it’s supposed to feel like? Jaehwan doesn’t know. Too distracted with how Wonshik’s hair flutters in the slightest in front of the breezy window, with how his lips part every time he speaks that he almost reaches out to feel them with the tips of his fingers if he didn’t catch himself any sooner.

His hand is only halfway towards the table, fingertips still far away from where they wanted to be but it doesn’t matter because Wonshik already noticed it and chuckled softly.

“‘I’m not as ticklish as you think anymore,” he tells him as he raises his cup to have a sip, his cheeks a dusty red and Jaehwan knows it’s not because of the coffee.

So Jaehwan plays his role, willing to play it out till the end with him—it’s the only way he can convince himself, after all.

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


Things can only go so far and of course, it doesn’t take long for Sanghyuk catch up on things.

With how his fiance keeps coming home with a dopey smile on his face and his measly excuses with why he’s so happy, the truth had to come out sooner or later.

At first, Jaehwan tells him he saw his friends, then he mentions that Hakyeon introduced him to his new boyfriend, then Taekwoon showed him his new cat; all of these Sanghyuk believed with unshaken trust that he catches himself off-guard when Jaehwan slips up and answers that he saw his ex-boyfriend again today.

He doesn’t get mad, of course, because he knew about Wonshik even before they dated. Save for being Jaehwan’s ex, it doesn’t hide the fact he was also Jaehwan’s childhood best friend, just turned into a high school sweetheart. 

Maybe he just wishes Jaehwan could’ve been honest with him, as he should understand Jaehwan the most—hell, he’s marrying him in a few months, what’s there to hide at this point?

At least his fiance has the decency to look guilty, Jaehwan biting his lip and Sanghyuk doesn’t know if he’s doing it on purpose—it works, anyway. Because the wall he built around himself for the past minutes easily topples over when Jaehwan comes up to him and kisses him.

Sanghyuk didn’t think about it again for the rest of the night.

  
  


Jaehwan doesn’t know if it’s just his lust talking or he’s desperate to remind himself of the truth, but he rides Sanghyuk’s harder than usual, his size stretching him and it fucking stings—the fact that he made his fiance rush the preparation as he’s already impatient and aching—yet honestly it's the best part. 

His hands claw against Sanghyuk’s back, futilely trying to itch what’s underneath his skin even when he knows he can never satisfy it. It just doesn’t surprise him that Sanghyuk takes his sudden spike of desire as just another fuel to the fire, and Jaehwan’s more than thankful for that. 

“Mark me,” he keens as he slams down especially harder that moment, crying out when it hits his spot just right. He falls down onto Sanghyuk, making sure that the other’s lips are right where his neck is. “Fuck, mark me, Hyukkie,” he whines again, grinding down just to remind him, and finally moaning loudly when Sanghyuk sinks his teeth into his skin.

“Yes—oh god, _yes_ ,” Jaehwan chants, unable to helplessly stop as Sangyuk himself grabs his hips and control their rhythm. He’s getting dizzy from all this haze and desperation that Jaehwan can only press their lips as he’s afraid he might end up saying someone else’s name.

When tomorrow comes, and when Jaehwan sees himself in the mirror, he’ll be more than glad to see Sanghyuk’s love bites scattered across his neck and collar, the bright red weighing him down, even if it’s the last he can do to remind himself of where he belongs.

  
  


It wasn't enough.

Even after all that, Jaehwan still feels unsatiated, and he wonders if his fiancé can go for another round. They look at each other, in this thick, heavy air where no one's moving, only their shared breaths and heartbeats loud in this room. 

“How do you feel?” Sanghyuk voices out for one, his sweaty hand reaching up to fondly card through Jaehwan's own messy locks, who's still perched on his chest. 

“Good,” the older lies through his teeth, but he basks in the attention he gets anyway, unable to help himself from enjoying any form of affection showered upon him. 

Lying unsurprisingly doesn't work, and Sanghyuk beats him to it before he could even spin a web of lies.

“I know I don't have as much stamina, but there's plenty of other ways to fool around,” he mutters, heavy with emotion that Jaehwan can't identify if it's hurt or doubt, but he sure does know he's comparing himself to someone else Jaehwan would just wish to forget. 

“I told you I feel good,” he insists, another lie slipping past his lips and hopes Sanghyuk would just buy it.

After all, the more you insist a lie the more it'll become the truth. 

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


When he sees Wonshik again, he hopes the bites he lousely tried to hide would phase him, even in the slightest, but Jaehwan learns his plan didn't work when all Wonshik did was give him an eyebrow wiggle at the sight of the red marks spotted above his scarf. 

“Still have a lot of sex drive these days, I see,” he comments suggestively, exactly right when Jaehwan's drinking his tea. “You really didn't change, huh? Probably got even worse.”

Jaehwan can only wish he can read his thoughts when he says those words, even though he's choking from how sudden Wonshik says it.

He wonders if the younger is just saying it to humour him, to let him know that seeing someone else mark him is the same if he saw any of his friends with hickeys from their partners—or if he's actually imagining that he's the one laying down all those bites on Jaehwan instead, that it was his own pair of lips that ghosted on Jaehwan's skin and made it bloom red. 

“Maybe you should find someone, too,” he finally retaliates once he's caught his breath, eyes straying far away that he almost didn't catch how the look in Wonshik's eyes shift and soften, as if he did find someone. 

“It’s fine,” Wonshik replies, quietly, and Jaehwan suddenly feels like it's too intimate with how much Wonshik is looking at him. “... I already found someone, after all.” 

It wasn't hard for Jaehwan to realise that nothing will really go along his heart’s wishes in this world. That it is perhaps truly his ultimate curse to be so easily hurt and fooled, the same time the world is cruel enough to make him always feel this way. Or so he thinks, when he doesn't even doubt Wonshik's sincerity for one moment. 

“That's great,” Jaehwan tries to congratulate, anyway, because he is trying to be happy. His smile just didn't get to reach his eyes. 

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


“Are you sleeping with someone?”

Seems like things have eventually ended up like this, save for how much Jaehwan tried to pretend that nothing’s happening in his life—of course, he could've been an actor, but it never seems to work because it’s _Sanghyuk._

So Jaehwan shakes his head no, because he really isn't. If anything, he rather wishes he is sleeping with someone, a specific someone, but of course he doesn't say it. 

His answer doesn't deter Sanghyuk, and he asks again, immediately going for the kill if it at least strikes a reaction from his fiancé.

“Are you sleeping with Wonshik?” 

Jaehwan's eyes do open widely for a second—not because it's true, since it isn't, but the accusation of it is enough to wake him a little bit that maybe seeing his ex again and again does look fucking fishy to someone who'll be marrying him soon. 

“How can you even think about that? You know he's my best friend—I literally have not seen him for years,” he quickly defends himself, but his blood doesn't boil, as he has no right to be angry at all when he caused Sanghyuk to start thinking like this.

“Yeah—’your best friend’, yet you fucked! You can call him your best friend all you want, but it doesn't change the fact that he was also your ex and that you guys had fucked before, okay? Do you think—did you really think I'm always going to be fine with it? Did you?”

“What's it to you if Wonshik and I fucked before or not? That was the past, Sanghyuk. Stop dragging him into this—”

“ _What is it to me?_ Well I'm your fiancé, to fucking start! I don't like how you're still hanging around with your ex as if it's completely normal, and I don't like that whenever you talk about him you speak as if he's just hung the moon and—” Sanghyuk pauses, closing his eyes, not from his anger but because he's perhaps hesitating if he should say his next few words. “I can't help but think that maybe I'm not enough. That you're still not over him and I was just someone you dated just to not be alone.” 

“I wouldn't have said yes if I were still in love with him,” Jaehwan still tries to argue, pressing forward and reaching his hand out towards him and stop him if he ever chooses to leave. They never reach.

“I can be dumb but I'm not stupid enough not to notice how your eyes look when you tell me about him, even before we dated. You crave for him. And now that you've seen him again, it's like hell broke loose for you, didn't it?

“Look, I'm not leaving you, because I do love you. We can still make this work. I just want you to stop seeing him, okay?”

Jaehwan tried so hard that night to write a message telling Wonshik that he can't see him anymore, and he deleted every single draft he wrote. 

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


He should've tried harder, he realises only when it's late and Sanghyuk's in front of him in his favourite café, smiling forlornly and probably regretting half the decisions he's made for the last two years.

“I guess I was right,” he muses but there's no humour in it, staring into the wood of the table as he chuckles it off. “You really couldn't let go.”

“I'm sorry,” is all Jaehwan could say, guilt weighing down his shoulders and unable to meet his eyes. “It wasn't supposed to be like this...”

“If it wasn't supposed to be like this then what should it be like? That I wouldn't have found out and you just carried on?” Sanghyuk finally snaps up and looks at him in the eye, and it hurts Jaehwan to see how his usual sturdy demeanour has slowly started to crumble. “If I didn't go out for coffee today then I would've never known, would I? Fuck, I thought it's over, I can't believe I fucking trusted you.” 

“But it is,” Jaehwan salvages what's left between them, desperate to tie up their frayed knots in hopes they'll be okay. “I promise you, this is the last time I'm gonna see him, it's over now, Sanghyuk, please—”

“No, _we're_ over, Jaehwan,” without another word, Sanghyuk places his house keys on the table, cold just like the expression Sanghyuk is wearing. “I just—I can't take this anymore.”

“Sanghyuk, _please_ , I love you—”

“Do you?” the younger cuts off before he could go on, already standing up from his seat, “do you really love me? Or are you just infatuated with the idea of you falling in love with me?”

He’s gone, almost too soon, and the band around Jaehwan's finger suddenly feel heavier than usual. 

Wordlessly, he stands up from his seat too, grabbing the keys as he tries to hold back his tears and save himself the embarrassment in crying in public. 

Only when he was about to go outside he notices that it started to rain, pattering against the glass door and right outside it is Wonshik standing with his umbrella. 

They both don't say anything when they meet again, Wonshik just silently placing the umbrella above Jaehwan's head and letting half of his body be literally drenched in rain. 

“I'm not gonna ask what happened, nor if things are alright, but I do want to say that I'll be here for you, ” Wonshik finally brings up after they've walked for a distance, not really going home and only detouring, ending up in the park where they used to hang around a lot when they were teenagers. 

“Thanks,” is all Jaehwan could say, staring far into the other side of the park where all the people are. They're hidden under the trees instead, where the rain can never reach and the world could never hear. 

“Remember when we used to hide in this place? I really thought it was going to my favourite until that fire ant crawled on me,” it's nice that Wonshik's trying to humour him, at least, and make him feel better after Jaehwan just got the breakup of the century. 

“Shik-ah,” Jaehwan calls to him after a moment, his head is buried in his arms and his knees are up to his chest, “give me time. When my head is clear and my chest is not as painful, let's talk more.”

“It's not that I want to come back and replace him—”

“Let's start over again,” the older looks up from the ground, his hair messy and fluffy from all the humidity that Wonshik can't deny is pulling his heartstrings again. “Let's forget all that happened, and start from the beginning.”

“I'd like that,” Wonshik finally seconds with a small smile, ruffling Jaehwan's hair as he stands beside him, the memories of them fooling around in this place playing in his head as he reminisces about how he kissed Jaehwan for the first time underneath this tree. 

Jaehwan is no better, and he's staring at the dark sky, thinking about what had just happened in the past hour and weighing his regrets, wondering when the weather will finally let up. 

The rain doesn't seem to be ending soon.

**Author's Note:**

> beta'd by [hesa](https://twitter.com/navyshiningoId) as always <33
> 
> happy birthday frida BITCH!!! i hope you enjoyed this (hehe) it was either this or omegaverse rabin but then i realised im too weak to write self-lubricating fics. i dont know why i made it sad bc you'll probably would've liked it if it were horny instead but OH WELL!
> 
> this was inspired by this [cute (sad) song](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4hNpxi0N-2U) :3
> 
> OK I THINK THAT'S IT the fact that i had to delay posting this bc frida and i were playing pubg . ya.
> 
> talk to me!   
> twitter: @[ieejaehwans](https://twitter.com/Ieejaehwans)


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